Every year golfers await Christmas with a mix of fear and trepidation.
Being pigeon-holed as the ‘golf nut’ of the family is a life-sentence to receiving animal head-covers, novelty tees, mugs emblazoned with tacky phrases, and the sort of cheap golf balls that make hitting a rock seem like caressing a silk pillow.
Kind friends and relatives who know no better assume that because you have taken up golf, you will by default want and like anything golf-related – and bingo, the annual present-buying conundrum is solved forever.
In reality, the pile of gadgets and gizmos serve one function: they make great dust collectors.
So as you spend the days leading up to the 25th practicing your fake smile and lines like “I’ve always wanted one of those”, here’s 10 gifts you won’t want to find under your tree this Christmas.
Potty Putter
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From the people who brought you game-changers like the Potty Fisher and Slam Dunk Toilet Basketball, comes the Potty Putter: a “golf game that allows the avid golfer to practice his putting while in the restroom”. If that doesn’t have you squirming in excitement for your next visit to the loo, then the “putting green made of professional golfing carpet” and “Do Not Disturb sign for uninterrupted practice” surely will.
Golf Ball Soap on a Rope 
When I saw one of these in my Christmas stocking a few years ago, I thought two things. “Do I stink?” and “why?”
Golf Score Counter Watch 
Perfect for the mathematically challenged golfer. In recent times, the watch has evolved to include more modern features such as the ability to tell the time. It is understood Kevin Na became the first person to ask Santa for one of these for Christmas in 2011.
URO-Club and Go-Girl
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We’ve all made the dash for the nearest woods to relieve ourselves when nature calls on the golf course. But thanks to the UroGolf Club – a tube in the shape of a golf club that permits a male golfer to ‘go number one’ discretely in the middle of the fairway – the toilet tree dash can be a thing of the past. The Go-Girl similarly accommodates females. Of course that means you will be playing the rest of the round with basically a bottle of urine in your bag. You surely must also remove one of your actual golf clubs to make room for your stylish catheter. We’ll stick to the trees, thanks.
The Wobbler 
They’ve dubbed it the ‘unputtable’ golf ball; a trick ball that will curve, jump, wobble and shake. “Bet your golfing partner that he can’t sink that pressure putt … switch his ball for the wobbler, and watch the look of amazement on his face when the ball refuses to go straight!” Hilarious. But the funniest part will be the look on his face when he spots you trying to switch his golf ball.
Camo Golf Balls
They’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
Butt-Putt
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Take your short game to new levels with the aptly named Butt-Putt. “Sink the putt and you’ll be greeted with one of six hilarious farting noises!” You’ll be putting for hours, provided you can contain the stitches of laughter. But the real selling point is in the slogan … “Get a hole in bum!”
Putt-Her 
What features do you look for in a putter? A true aim? A soft and satisfying feel? How about a scantily clad model who magically appears on your shaft? Introducing the Putt-her: “It looks like a regular black putter in you bag but when you place the putter towards the ground, the mysterious black cover floats into the grip to reveal the pin-up beauty on the shaft. Turn it back over and the image is covered up again. It will amaze your golfing buddies.” They’ll be amazed alright … amazed if they’re ever desperate enough to invite you for a round again.
Golf Toilet Paper 
What better way to endear yourself to family and friends with a few rolls of golf themed loo paper? Featuring funny quotes like “in the hole” and “world’s crappiest golfer”, you’re sure to be the envy of your house guests.
The Big Bubba Driver
Forget the latest hi-tech drivers from Callaway and Taylor Made; the one club you want for Christmas simply has to be the Big Bubba Driver, right? And no, I’m not talking about the pink Ping G25 used by the 2012 Masters champion. This is a rough-hewn driver made from “select sassafras” and comes complete with two walnut “golf balls” painted white. It’ll look great in the back corner of your garden shed.
What is the worst golfing gift you have ever received? Share your horror stories by posting a comment below!