Non Golfer Survival Guide to Golf

It’s a tough job being the only non-golfer in an office where polo shirts and slacks are considered ‘workday-to-course’ business formal, and you spend your life fearful of getting hit by someone dangerously shadow swinging in a corridor. But as golf uptake rises, more and more of us everyday folk are being jostled into the ‘non-golfer’ category. We didn’t ask for this, but it’s a heavy mantle to bear keeping those golf-bores grounded.

Here’s how to survive the coming apocalypse.

Master the Lingo

Well, you don’t have to master it per se. Just get some flashcards with big buzzwords like ‘par’, ‘handicap’, ‘shank’ or names of birds on them. Throw a couple of those around and you’ll blend right in.

Master the Art of Misdirection

This one might actually work in your favour. Golfers are *very* easily distracted. If you’re ever in a tight spot with a deadline, in a performance review that’s gone awry, just say something like “Did you see the news on Rory? Crazy.”

There’s always news on Rory, and they’ll always want to talk about it.

Master the Art of “Resting-Interested-Face”

You’ll need this one for when they start engaging with your aforementioned Rory comment.

Master the Art of Insulting a Golfer

This is important. But it also doesn’t take much. All you need to do is grimace and make a sharp, short intake of breath as that clubhead connects with the ball, or when they tell you how they did on their last round. It doesn’t even matter if it was good.

It. Will. Crush. Them.

Master their Religion

If Tiger is God, his son Charlie is Jesus. You’re going to have to learn to worship at that altar if you’re going to stand a chance. Buy some red polo-shirts for Fridays. Golfers appreciate that kind of commitment, and you probably look great in red. Win, win.

Master the Bunkers

(for sunbathing, sandcastle building etc.)

In golf, you want to avoid the bunkers. With golfers, you might find yourself wanting to bury yourself in one. This is acceptable. Pick your spot, bring a towel; it’s going to be a long, slow round.

Master the Golf Holiday

Here’s a pro-tip: the best courses (the ones on their sad little scratch maps or in those lists they watch as obsessively as brokers on the floor of the stock exchange); they’re your golden ticket to a really, really great holiday.

Your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, best-friend (honestly these ones are easy to trade in so if you have a golfer best friend you should probably reconsider…) – they *want* you to say that you want to go. Pick one with a spa, a great library, in an area where you want to explore, where there is all-inclusive on margaritas, and you charge it all to the room.

They’re paying. They wanted it. You’re the victim here. You’re welcome.